Thursday, March 31, 2011


Have you seen this "Dick Slang" dance? Check out this video:

That up there is the original. The creators are, apparently, a bunch of goofballs who've previously tried to launch a different dance craze - one centered on the buttocks instead of the male frontal sex appendage - without success. This one, however - and despite the notable lack of production values - is somehow managing to catch on. In fact, it's already spawned a bunch of imitators and video responses, such as this one, featuring what appears to be a bunch of high-school kids mocking the original, and it's actually kind of amusing...

And then there's this one, which isn't quite as imaginative, but still mostly harmless...


Here's a reaction that's so post-modern, it's offensive to itself! It pretty much covers all the bases and says everything I could have wanted to say about this pseudo-phenomenon in just a few short minutes. It also happens to be the last "Dick Swang/Slang" related cultural artifact that brought yer old pal Jerky any amount of personal pleasure...

After that, it's all downhill for the Dick Swang Dance. This is a meme that's run out of steam even before it really got rolling. Now, could somebody please tell these guys...

...and THIS guy?!


"The number is not credible. We are very sorry. I would like to make sure that such a mistake doesn't happen again."

- Tepco spokesman Takashi Kurita apologizes for inadvertently freaking everybody out by issuing a press release saying that the radioactivity levels in the sea-water around the Fukushima nuclear power plant were 10 MILLION TIMES the level safe for humans. Turns out the levels were actually only 100 THOUSAND TIMES the level safe for humans. So no big whoop. Phew! Thank Godzilla he straightened that out, huh? Almost thought there was a PROBLEM there, for a minute!


"It's as if our president was paralyzed. But paralyzation is caused by something."

- Matt Taibbi - former professional collector of "Bushisms" - has begun collecting "Beckisms", these being finely crafted gems of blithering idiocy from that once-and-future radio morning zoo-keeper, crypto-fascist super-tard Glenn Fucking Beck.


“He wanted to keep the finger forever and wanted to dry it out. He was proud of his finger.”

- LIVE! (only not) From Afghanistan! It's the United States Kill Team Photo Safari Wide-Awake Nightmare Show! Folks, this is worse than anything that came out of Abu Ghraib, by an order of magnitude. Far, far worse.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011


Today's first Joke of the Day comes from our old pal Spider-Man!

Q: What's the worst part about having sex with farm animals?
A: When you see them a week later, they act like they don't even know you!

Our second Joke of the Day comes from BrummBaer of Dirtspawn infamy!

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He grabbed a bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard shouting and laughing. When he came closer, he saw that it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond!
The old man made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond." Holding the bucket up, he said: "I'm here to feed the alligators!"
Never underestimate your elders' ability to think fast!

And, finally, what Daily Dirt Joke List would be complete without a WORST Joke of the Day? Today's runt-of-the-litter comes from our old pal Oze Parrot, also of Dirtspawn infamy! I think you'll all agree that it's a fitting inaugural choice for this particular honor.
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis!"


Okay, hold on to your hats, folks, because this one is a doozy. 

In an "exclusive" interview with some fellow who answers to the highly suspicious moniker Alfred Lambremont Webre, "independent scientist" - I think that means she's not a scientist - Leuren Moret has stated that Japan has pulled the wasabi over all our big round eyes. 

You see, it only seems as though the earthquake-and-tsunami-prone nation of Japan has recently endured a horrific double-catastrophe involving a monster earthquake that spawned a monster tsunami, killing thousands and leaving much of their eastern seaboard a shambles. The reality of the situation is far more sinister. Because what's really going on here is the secret Freemason/Rockefeller/Rothschild rulers of Japan used a super-secret combination of their HAARP earthquake-triggering and chemtrail weather control technologies to wage a clandestine, surreptitious nuclear war against the west coasts of the USA, Canada and Mexico - "the major food producing areas for North America" - in order to "attack the health and genome of the North American population" in accordance with their long-term goal to "depopulate North America, and to make future humans less healthy and less resistant to takeover by a global New World Order."

Oh, and apparently, it also has something to do with finally getting construction started on that long-rumored NAFTA highway, too. According to Ms Moret: “The New World Order... will get North American Unification, the North American Union and their new drug delivery route. The NAFTA highway is their drug route from Mexico through the U.S. to Canada. Waco is on the NAFTA highway.  Waco is the Texas Headquarters for the Scottish Rite Masons. Waco, Texas, a key spot on the NAFTA highway, is a big drug depot."

Well, sure! That all makes perfect sense. But is there more to this frightening scenario? Yes, there is. Moret fleshes things out even further: "In Arkansas the Masonic Headquarters is very close to the NAFTA freeway. The bridge collapse in Minneapolis was because they needed to build a bigger bridge for the NAFTA highway. They used imminent domain for the land grab to build the bigger bridge. The NAFTA highway ends at Winnipeg, Manitoba, whose Provincial Legislature is a Masonic capital of Canada. The result of the radiation war against the United States, Canada, Mexico and Hawaii and the weakening of the population here is that... the New World Order gets the North American Unification of Canada, the United States and Mexico."

You may be asking yourself, BUT WHY?! Lucky for you, Ms Moret lays it all out in stark, simple English: "This provides more efficient drug delivery routes, destruction of democracy, and enslavement of the North American populations. The covert nuclear war has already hit. If you didn't prepare, sorry... In this dynamic environment the large amount of radiation released from Fukushima will be mixed in the global atmosphere in one year. Radiation respects no borders, no socio-economic class and no religion. It is an equal opportunity killer... There is nowhere to hide.”

The implications of Ms. Moret's revelations are so bone-chilling, so mind-boggling, so utterly and unmitigatedly flabbergasting that, upon hearing her words, one is left with chilled bones, a boggled mind and completely gasted flabbers. In fact, Ms Moret's words left Monsieur Lambremont-Webre so completely discombobulated that the only response his brain was able to fart up was this delightful bowlful of alphabet soup: 

"Well... is, is... uh... Wow. That's quite a... uh... so... this is a way, the... they, uh... the Japan... tectonic warfare using the HAARP, aerosol, chemtrail atmospheric plasma weapon system has now created, in effect, a multiple-Chernobyl in Fukushima. And... and... and, a-as I understand it, um... that Chernobyl is just getting started... right?"

Well, DUH, Monsieur Lambremont-Webre... what do YOU think?

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


  • Remeber the bleeps? Remember the bloops? Remember all those stupid little hand-held electronic games we used to play back in the backseat during cross-country drives, back in the days before electronics companies started fitting fully immersive first-person shooters and free-roaming sandbox games with HD video and dodecaphonic sound on consoles so small that yer old pal Jerky could easily hide one of them in the fold of fat under his left side-boob? No? Well, I sure do. I hated those fucking games. They sucked diarrhea through a see-through straw. And yet, some incorrigible giga-geek out there in pixel-land went ahead and created a beautiful interactive website that lets you relive those not-so-Glory Days by playing those crappy little Stone Age relics on your very own home cum-pew-turr! Enjoy! I know I won't.
  • As though we needed an official ruling on this... turns out that tea-bagging, broom-riding uberskank Christine O'Donnell (R-Psycho) is totally wrong about the whole masturbation thing! Playing a little Five-on-One is actually good for you! And, as an added bonus, it's good for your sperms, too! Of course, that's just a bunch of egghead scientists' opinion, so you might want to take that story with a grain of sodium chloride. I mean, experts, right? What the hell do THEY know?! 
  • I would personally like to bid a fond farewell and wish a "bon voyage" to my fellow former online muck-raker Joe Bageant, a fine writer and a genuine gentleman redneck. Yer old pal Jerky used to steal from Joe's writings on something like a regular basis back in the Daily Dirt's heyday. Compounding my sin, I also used to spell his name wrong, French-ifying it into something like "Bangeant". Sorry Joe. Anyway, now the man is gone, and the world of online opinionating is definitely the poorer for his passing. You can read his final message to the world here, and I urge you to do so.


"Freedom! If there's one thing America loves, it's... well, war. But if there's two things America loves, it's war and torture. But if there's three things America loves, it's war, torture, and genocide. But if there are several dozen things America loves, they are war, torture, genocide, chattel slavery, apartheid, ethnic cleansing, assassination, poverty, institutionalized bribery, remote-controlled flying death robots and somewhere down the list, between prison labor and lagoons of toxic pig shit, there is almost certainly a special place in our national heart for freedom."

- Fafblog is the world's only leading source of fafblog!


Dirtland calling. Jerky speaking. Well, typing, actually, but what with the post-modernistic blurring of the lines between all the various forms of hyper-mediated communicationization out there, it kinda seems like 30 of one, two-and-a-half dozen of the other these days.

Hey! A big shiny NOPRIZE goes out to the first DDDiasporan who is able to point out which literary/historical/parapolitical figure it is that I'm purposely aping in the first two sentences of my brief "we're back up and running" announcement! I'll give you a hint. There once was a 90's alterna-rock band who thought they were better than him.

Anyway, got some fresh Dirt coming your way in a bit, so hang tight, brethren and sisthren! Ah'm a typin' jest as fast as I cayun!


Monday, March 28, 2011


...and I have to admit, this situation is beginning to induce an extreme amount of "miff" in me. Just when I'd gotten back into the groove of posting news, opinions and comedy-frickin'-GOLD on a greater-than-daily basis - ker-BLAMMO! - there goes yet another in a long line of kicks to yer old pal Jerky's metaphorical groinular area. I mean, Jesus Fucking Nailholes! It's not like I've been leeching my connection off some poor schlub down the hall from me who failed to password-protect his wireless connection! What the fuck?!

Anyway, I'm hoping this will get fixed by TOMORROW, so don't give up on the Daily Dirt Diaspora just yet, okay? If you're bored with what's on the main page, go back and read the earlier posts. If you've read everything I posted here already, go write something interesting and submit it to me as a guest editorial! If you have a problem you want me to help out with, write me an ASK JERKY letter! I haven't had to answer one of those in way too long, and I kinda miss being an Agony Aunt to my sick and twisted readership!

In the meantime, to tide you over, here's a little mini-morsel. It's my latest WoW. And no, that does NOT stand for World of Fucking Warcraft (which will henceforth be referred to only as WoFW, if at all, which isn't very likely).. I refer, of course, to the now legendary Daily Dirt segment known as...

Yer Old Pal Jerky's WORDS OF WISDOM #329
"Voyeurs are difficult suicides, because they always want to know how the show ends."

Saturday, March 26, 2011


Yer old pal Jerky's brand-spanking new online connection has failed after three weeks of relatively smooth operation. I am posting from a friend's place now. Will attempt to resolve this ASAP. Thanks for your patience.


PS - Watch this excellent short film in the meantime!

Friday, March 25, 2011


Okay, so, what the Hell is going on, here?

Two American-built, NASA-launched satellites, both designed by the same private company with the goal of surveying key factors in our global environment - 2009's "Orbiting Carbon Observatory" and 2011's "Glory", which was to study the impact of aerosols on the climate - have both ended up at the bottom of the Pacific instead of up in the sky where they belong. What are the frickin' odds?! And, more importantly, what are the implications?

Yer old pal Jerky couldn't help but be suspicious. So he he strapped on his brain-boosting electro-helmet, swallowed a fistful of Adderalls, and set about applying a heaping helping of rigorous intuition to this topic. I am now prepared to say that it seems to me as though there are two possible scenarios playing out, here.

1. The global environmental situation is so dire, the planet's outlook so grim, that The Powers That Be - or some rogue faction thereof - are purposely sabotaging the tools that could be used by the scientific community to discover the true magnitude of the problem. This, because if any of these eggheads' findings were to work their way down to us Useless Eaters, it might spark a planet-wide panic-fueled mega-riot.

2. There really is no scientific basis for the belief that the Earth is facing an unprecedented complex of man-made ecological and climate crises. And perhaps The Powers That Be - or some rogue faction thereof - are attempting to prevent the scientific community from being able to prove this, because without an imaginary "crisis" to deal with, they would have no plausible excuse to implement the genocidal de-population programs they've been itching to kick-start since Malthus first put pen to paper.

Of course there are other possible explanations - everything from hostile alien intervention to mere coincidence to spontaneously-sentient Artificial Intelligences taking over both satellites and plunging them into the ocean in a case of double-cyber-suicide - but we do ourselves no favors by ignoring the obvious, here: Barack Obama was NOT born in this country, God-damnit!!!

That last part was a joke, by the way.


Is it "funny cuz it's true"? This "hilarious" report by the satirical Onion News Network claims that the CIA's invention of Facebook has "saved the government millions of dollars" by having people willingly divulge all sorts of intimate details about their beliefs, lives, interpersonal connections and behaviors. While watching this, I didn't know whether to laugh or erase my own Facebook profile.


That's the title given to this Youtube video of a December 2010 Jamaican TV news report, which has a pretty low view count considering the subject matter and what happens in it. This is interesting on a number of levels:


If you don't already know about Anonymous - or if you think you do, but aren't really sure - then you should probably read the excellent Wikipedia article about this multifaceted participatory online movement's origins, achievements, scandals and goals.

Although it originally spawned from a number of unrelated Internet message boards and humor sites - 4chanEbaum's WorldEncyclopedia Dramatica and others - almost ten years ago, Anonymous today is far more than just a loose affiliation of hacker/trolls who occasionally venture out of their mothers' basements to smear pubic hair and petroleum jelly on unsuspecting Scientologists. It is a genuine phenomenon that is evolving into an important - some would have us believe dangerous - social movement.

Pinning down Anonymous isn't easy. Anyone can call themselves a representative and claim to be initiating an action on the group's behalf. Self-declared members are free to join in on these actions, or not. Some Anonymous campaigns - such as their anti-Scientology crusade, their international anti-censorship activities  and their campaigns in support of WikiLeaks - enjoy broad-based support and substantial approval. Other stunts - such as bombarding epileptic support group websites with flashing videos designed to trigger seizures in the photo-sensitive - not so much. However, since Anonymous has no leaders, collects no dues and maintains no headquarters, it is difficult, if not impossible, to bestow credit or lay blame.

Which makes the fact that they've published an "Open Letter to the Citizens of the United States of America" not only odd, but downright baffling. It raises all sorts of questions. For instance, if Anonymous has no leadership, who wrote this? Is it a hoax? And, if so, how would anyone ever know? If Anonymous attempts to deny authorship of this (or any other) document, that denial would be equally unverifiable, and thus suspect.

A quick perusal of this Open Letter reveals three things:

  • First, Anonymous could use a good copy editor. The text of this document contains spelling mistakes, dangling participles and mixed metaphors galore. 
  • Second, despite a few nods to "fair taxation" and "states' rights", it appears as though Anonymous is planting its flag firmly on the left side of America's political playing field. Ending corporate personhood, making healthcare a human right, ensuring clean air, water and food, enacting prison reform and decriminalizing marijuana... their list of demands reads more like a High Times editorial than a revolutionary manifesto. 
  • Finally, make no mistake about it, Anonymous wants YOU. They are recruiting. And this, despite the fact that, in a number of important ways, "they" don't even exist.

Personally, I'm still up in the air about Anonymous. I certainly approve of their anti-Scientology activities, and find their efforts to support Julian Assange and WikiLeaks to be commendable, even noble. On the other hand, some of their goofier, more mean-spirited pursuits - the "lulz" element of their shenanigans - leave a bad taste in my mouth. But that's just me.

After the page break, below, I will publish the full text of Anonymous' Open Letter for y'all to peruse at your leisure. It's being published all over the place, but I figure we might as well warehouse a copy here, as part of the Useless Eater Blog's efforts at archiving potentially important parapolitical documents. Where possible, I have retained the spelling and grammatical errors. Enjoy! - YOPJ

Thursday, March 24, 2011


Might this article from 2006 - in which University of Alberta geologist Patrick Wu says the loss of polar ice volume will lead to increased global earthquake activity - qualify as a secular prophecy of sorts? Did Wu foretell, in a roundabout way, the disastrous, deadly, monstrous quakes that have hit HaitiChileNew Zealand and Japan? These four major quakes have all hit in the last 2 years - an unprecedented "close clustering" for events of this magnitude.

In the article, Wu is quoted as saying:
"What happens is the weight of this thick ice puts a lot of stress on the earth. The weight sort of suppresses the earthquakes, but when you melt the ice the earthquakes get triggered."
Now, I am fully aware that there is a robust and thriving skeptic community working hard to deny the prevailing wisdom / scientific consensus about Global Warming - especially as concerns the issue of "Anthropogenic Global Warming", the idea that human behaviors are to blame. Some in the parapolitical and conspiracy communities suspect that "AGW" is nothing more than an elaborate hoax perpetrated by genocidal elites, that it is nothing more or less than the laying of groundwork for the future implementation of horrific depopulation schemes to weed out the riffraff, the great unwashed, we "useless eaters". 

As the name of our sister blog implies, yer old pal Jerky certainly isn't prepared to dismiss out of hand the idea that there are very powerful forces working behind the scenes that would dearly love to dump a bunch of herbicide all over the Great Human Garden. This does not mean, however, that I - or anyone else - should automatically subscribe to any theory that fits into the gestalt of that particular suspicion. That would simply be a variation on the age-old logical fallacy known as "confirmation bias", and any serious student of parapolitics needs to be ever-vigilant not to fall prey to its powerful lure.

In short, we should always, all of us, seek out the very best information possible. And currently, as far as my research has shown me, the Global Warming Skeptics community just isn't cutting the mustard. The majority of them are brain-whores (thought-stitutes?) whose work on the subject - mostly op-eds, hardly ever peer-reviewed - is bought and paid for by the very industry lobbies and corporations that either a) are major contributers to the problem, or b) depend on continued government inaction to maintain their profitability. 

And so, until someone comes along and convincingly debunks this excellent and thorough debunking of the Global Warming "debunkers", I'm going to stick with the eggheads on this one.


"In a strange twist of what can only be called fate, Assange could either be incarcerated in Scandinavia as the lowest of the low, a sex criminal, or exalted in Scandinavia as the highest of the high, a Nobel Peace Prize winner, alongside Mother Teresa and Nelson Mandela."

- Op-Ed author Paul Sullivan describes the WikiLeaks founder's surreal situation in a rather amusing fashion. Check out today's Useless Eater Blog for more details.
"What happens is the weight of this thick ice puts a lot of stress on the earth. The weight sort of suppresses the earthquakes, but when you melt the ice the earthquakes get triggered."

- Might this article from 2006 - in which University of Alberta geologist Patrick Wu says the loss of polar ice will lead to increased earthquake activity - qualify as a sort of secular prophecy, foretelling the disastrous, deadly, monster quakes that have hit Haiti, Chile, New Zealand and Japan?


"Keep your business out of other people's noses."

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


Changes have been made to the Old Testament section of The New American Bible - the most popular Bible among Catholic believers in the United States. According to Mary Elizabeth Sperry, project manager for the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, the changes were based on the very latest in Biblical scholarship. Some of the changes were made because of recent, improved translations from the original source texts in Greek and Hebrew - for instance, the word "virgin" has been re-translated as "young woman" in a number of spots. Other changes are more stylistic, and have been implemented because of changes in connotation. For instance, seeing as it has come to be so closely associated with a specific historical event, the word "holocaust" has been replaced with "burnt offering" - which is, in fact, that word's original  meaning. Somewhat less depressing is the decision to use the word "plunder" instead of "booty", due to the latter being more often connected with ample buttocks than pirate's treasure these days.


"There is no such thing as justifiable genocide."


"I did it, but it was hell. Pure hell. My feet were on fire. Twice, blisters popped and just about brought me to my knees. But I kept going."

- 400 pound ex-Sumo wrestling national champion Kelly Gneiting is the heaviest human being ever to run (sort of) the Los Angeles Marathon. Actually, he kind of jogged for a while and walked most of the second half, giving him a final finishing time of just under half a day. But, goddamnit, the fat fuck finished the bitch! Way to go, Tubby!


"It looks like to me as if shooting these emigrating feral hogs works, maybe we have found a solution to our illegal immigration problem."

- Kansas state senator and Republican Majority Caucus chair Virgil Peck Junior cracks unwise during a House Appropriations Committee hearing on the use of sharpshooters in helicopters to control the state's feral pig problem. His subsequent explanation that "I was just speaking like a southeast Kansas person" is sure to do wonders for southeast Kansas' tourism industry.


Have you heard about Alaska Flight 241 from Mexico City to Los Angeles? When it landed in L.A., the flight was met with a full barrage of police, firetrucks, FBI agents and TSA officials. Why? Because some members of staff  freaked out after spotting three oddly-dressed men speaking a foreign language and messing around with little black boxes with cables trailing out of them.

Turns out the men were Orthodox Jewish passengers performing "tefillin" - a ritual which involves praying out loud in Hebrew while simultaneously tying black wooden boxes to one's forehead and arms with black leather straps.

Authorities cleared up the "misunderstanding" so quickly that the men were able to make their scheduled connecting flights, no problem. And yet, regardless of the fact that nothing fucking happened to these guys, in an editorial for the Huffington Post, rabbi Brad Hirschfield expresses dismay that the three were "hassled", and says that "ignorance" of tefillin among airport security personnel is "not acceptable".  Hirschfield did concede, however, that anti-Semitism "probably" wasn't a factor in this case.

This does beg the question: In this day and age, when people traveling by air are routinely forced to take off their shoes, throw away their shampoo, drink their own breast milk, renounce Islam and convert to Christianity before being allowed to board a flight, does it not stand to reason that being seated next to some bearded, chanting religious whacko all strapped up in black leather and weird wooden boxes - with nobody from the flight crew daring to say "boo" about it - might possibly spark a certain degree of resentment?

And another thing: If a certain demographic is given a pass to perform this particular type of ritual mid-flight, then what's to stop some enterprising Jihadis from growing out their peyos, donning spodik and black bekishe, filling their tefillin with SemTex and pulling a September 11 copycat attack under cover of "political correctness"?

Is it me? Is it really too much to ask of our religious brothers and sisters that they hold their horses for a few measly hours and wait until they're on terra firma before initiating conversations with their imaginary friends? Or is the fact that we're even entertaining a debate about the appropriateness of this kind of behavior on a commercial flight just plain retarded?

Comments are more than welcome, as always!


"We don't trust their ambassadors anymore, they have conspired against us. We don't trust their firms. We are going to invest in Russia, India and China now. That's where our money is going to be invested. Oil contracts will now go to Russian, Chinese and Indian firms. You can forget about the West!"

- The always amusing and never boring dead-man-walking Moammar Gaddafi tries to stir up antagonisms and play off long-simmering geopolitical rivalries in order to save his own ass. Although I have to admit it's hard to refute his claim that French President Nikolas Sarkozy is mentally ill. Anyhoo, yer old pal Jerky is pretty sure it's already too late for the Colonel to do anything other than be "accidentally" blown to bits, at this point.


Okay, this series is fricking hilarious, and from the view count on their Youtube videos, nobody's caught on yet. I figured I'd get all my fellow DDD peeps in on the ground floor with me, so here are all three episodes of this incredibly hilarious webseries produced so far. Enjoy!

COP HARD, Episode One: Come All You Faithful


COP HARD, Episode Two: A Dime A Dozen

COP HARD, Episode Three: Dirty Angels


According to the White House Web site, Harvard law professor Cass Sunstein is current head of the Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs. That means he is in charge of “overseeing policies relating to privacy, information quality, and statistical programs.”  Troubling, then, that in an academic article he co-wrote in 2008 entitled Conspiracy Theories: Causes and Curesthat he blankly states that the government should engage in "cognitive infiltration" of "9/11 conspiracy groups", whatever that means.

In practice, what Sunstein argues is that government agents should be assigned to infiltrate "groups" that propose alternative theories on historical events via “chat rooms, online social networks, or even real-space groups and attempt to undermine” those groups. Boy oh boy, this Obama cat just keeps looking better and better, doesn't he? Thank FUCK Oprah gave him her personal seal of approval!

Of course, the fact is that governments in every country and at every level have been doing exactly this all along. It's just that they've had the decency and good taste to at least try to keep their tactics and motivations hidden away from hoi polloi. So there you go, ladies and gentlemen. Cass Sunstein... a name to keep our eyes on!


You know how most media outlets will choose a Person of the Year for one of their special collector's edition issues with which they hope to attract oodles and spoodles of new paying customers and advertizers? Well, we here at the Daily Dirt Diaspora - by which I mean yer old pal Jerky - have figured something out. If it's profitable on a once-a-year basis, then holy FUCK! I'm gonna be rolling in moolah by instituting a new DAILY feature of the exact same sort! Furthermore, if I always fix it so there's a tie, I can bypass the usual controversy surrounding such "events" AND apply an X2 multiplier bonus score to any and all increases in readership and/or Google AdSense profitability ratios! My logic is impeccable, no? 

By the way, did you know that the word "impeccable" is French for "chickens don't like it"? But I digress. Time to announce today's winners! First - but certainly not last - we have a mentally deficient Californian kung-fu sensei and owner, creator, proprietor, founder, administrator, janitor, CEO and BMF of the GNN News Network, mister James Winn Gregory! Here... just take a good, goggle-eyed gander at a few of JW's "greatest hits" as chosen by some of his fans on Youtube:

Next - but certainly not first - we've got the future Mrs. Jerky LeBoeuf, Esq., a little lady who goes by the name of Megan Amram! She wants to be on the hit TV show Glee, and she's ready to do anything to make that happen, as her Youtube audition video, here, clearly displays:

Best of luck, little lady! Have fun on your sure-to-be-vertiginous ride up the Viral Spiral! By the way, in a few days, you're not going to want to look down. And then, in a few weeks, you're not going to want to look back. Keep that in mind, and you'll come out of this just fine. Kiss-kiss!

Congratulations to today's Daily Dirt Diaspora Person(s) of the Day! Keep on chooblin', cool dudes!


This is going to sound pretty stupid of me, but I've gone ahead and created another blog, this one specifically designed as a repository for links to news stories, videos and other online resources that relate to the world of parapolitics. You know... political conspiracies, bizarre coincidences and synchronicities, scientific anomalies, Forteana, the occult sciences, bizarre religious beliefs, secret societies, cults... that sort of thing. I won't be spending too much time writing about the stories. this is going to be a traditional, down-and-dirty news blog. It's called the Useless Eater Blog, and I hope you enjoy it.

Oh, I almost forgot! I'm looking to deputize all of y'all as my fellow Useless Eater Blog editors. If you come across any news stories that you think deserve to be archived there, please forward them to me along with an explanation as to why you think it belongs at Useless Eater. In the future, depending on submission quality and other factors, I'll probably be assigning a few co-editors with editorial access, to help lighten the load on my already overburdened shoulders. I mean, I got a frickin' day job, too, guys!

Obviously, I won't be posting here at the Triple-D every single time I post an item at Useless Eater. Instead, what I'll probably do is post a single Useless Eater-related post every two or three days containing a brief description of all the posts that have been uploaded to Useless Eater in the interim. For now, there are only two posts up. One concerns a strange computer virus designed to be spread by memory stick that was found in nuclear facilities in both Iran and (gulp) Japan, and the other is a short report on a Scientific American article detailing how to tell bogus conspiracy theories from the real deal. Check 'em out if the mood should grab you!

By the way, if you're wondering where the name for this blog came from, check out this pretty fucking terrifying report written by Herr Doktor Henry Kissinger back in the day. It concerns global over-population, and how the "elites" of the world should go about handling the proliferation of we rabble, we Great Unwashed, we Useless Eaters. It's a very eye-opening read, folks. Forewarned may not really be forearmed in this case... but at least it's forewarned, right?

Okay, so I'm hitting the sack now. See y'all tomorrow. And don't forget to bookmark the Useless Eater Blog! A few months from now, you'll be glad ya did!

Monday, March 21, 2011


"Number is a metaphysic... The whole history of mathematics is subterranean, taking place beneath history itself, misunderstood, ignored, ridiculed, unread, a shadow-world scarcely perceived even by the learned. Of adventure, greatness, insanity and suicide, it is nevertheless a history of nothing happening. Of nothing happening. Magnitudes correspond in terms of proportion. Variables in terms of function. But nothing ever happens. Statements are proven to be neither provable nor disprovable. Nothing has happened, and yet, everything has changed. Existence would be sheer dread without the verifiable fictions of mathematics."

- Henrik Endor, a grub-eating mathematician-gone-mental, from Ratner's Star, an excellent pseudo-science-fiction novel by one of the English language's greatest living novelists, Don Delillo. Just read this, thought it was cool, and wanted to share. Ain't blogging grand?



Yer old pal Jerky is of the opinion that Barack Hussein Obama - America's first super-hero President - pretty much sucks leachate from a straw carved out of an orphaned baby's colarbones. While it was still alive. After it was forced to watch its parents slowly suffocated under a vast number of clear plastic bags containing the fat sucked out of various parts of Oprah Hussein Winfrey during her many secret liposuction procedures. Just so we're all clear on that fact, straight from Jump Street.

Now, off to do more studying for you bastards! In the meantime, here are a few jokes to tide you over. I believe they are entirely new to the Dirt, having never been run between 1999 and 2006!


Today's first joke was sent in by Naveed Zafar... five frickin' years ago!

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.
When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
To that she replies "Well, come here and I'll warm them between my legs."
He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"


Thanks to our old pal Luis for sending in today's second joke... five frickin' years ago!

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. They walk up to the bar and the Parrot orders a Strawberry Daiquiri.
The bartender is amazed and says, "Wow! That's pretty cool, where'd you find it?"
The parrot replies, "In Africa! They're everywhere!"

And what Daily Dirt joke section would be complete without a WORST joke of the day? Today's groaner was sent in by N8Possibilities... five frickin' years ago!

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in; he realizes it's a gay bar. What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you Tell me the name of your Willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really satisfies."
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and Says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita, and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'."
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY... 'Like a Rock!'"
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood...
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"


"I rented him a piece of land. He paid me more for one night than the land was worth for two years, and then I didn't let him use the land. That's what we should be doing. I don't want to use the word screwed, but I screwed him."

- Republican presidential hopeful Donald Fucking Trump flaunts his GOP bona-fides on the friendliest little coffee klatch on TV, FOX and Friends! By the way, did you know that FOX stands for Fascism, Oligarchy and Xenophobia? It's true, I tells ya! What... you didn't think it referred to a little furry canine, did you? Reptiles run the show over there. They have no use for mammals.


Q: How do they keep the floors clean at the Fukushima-Daiichi nuclear power plant?
A: Mop and Glow!

Send all your incredibly tasteless Japanese disaster jokes to the DDD, care of yours truly, and I will see to it that they are disposed of in a prompt and proper manner. - YOPJ


- Extremely interesting radiation dose chart.

- The Hyperbole and a Half blog made me laugh out loud on a number of occasions. Especially good is the "Alternate Pain Scale" graphic.

- Pressure Bolt is an excellent short film that you can watch for free online:

Sunday, March 20, 2011


Okay, so I've read The Economist's 2011 Forecast Issue cover to cover, and taken notes while doing so. I've downloaded and perused Cass Sunstein's 2008 scholarly paper entitled "Conspiracy Theories: Causes and Cures" - wherein the current head of the US government's Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs urges "cognitive infiltration of 9/11 conspiracy groups", among other "solutions" to the "problem" of people not believing the various and shifting Official Narratives put forth by The Powers That Be. I've read the latest (only?) issue of a Tea Party magazine with the unwieldy title Can Conservatives Unite to Take Back America - no question mark, by the way, because question marks are for fags, apparently - and will be providing a comic deconstruction of said publication in the very near future. And, finally, I have begun looking into setting up a separate-but-connected parapolitically-oriented news blog where a number of us could pool our resources and intellects and focus our collective efforts at pulling together some kind of hologramatic Gestalt from the pixie dust of our ever-fluxipating Now/Here.  So I think I've earned the right to goof off for a bit. Time to watch the highly recommended Scandinavian documentary, THE TROLL HUNTER! I'll let y'all know how it turns out...


Wow. The global situation sure does seem to be one giant, bloody cluster of fuck these days, does it not? I mean, shee-it, mang! I'm finding it difficult to pick a place to start, to be honest. And beyond that, where to begin?

The ongoing triple disaster in Japan is most definitely world-historic, and both the event itself and our collective mediated second-hand experiencing of it certainly merit the application of a rigorous critical eye, but... well... when I consider how I could possibly put a personal perspective on this tragedy that would both 1) be worthy of your attention and b) attract new readers/subscribers, I can't help but feel either incredibly helpless or creepily voyeuristic.

The developments in Libya definitely defy easy answers. I just spent the better part of an hour over lunch discussing the Mideast situation in general and Libya in particular with an extremely eloquent and erudite expat Kurd. He was of the opinion that Western intervention in Libya was both necessary and commendable, as Gaddafi is a violent dictator and it's time for him to go. When I asked him why Libya and not Bahrain or Yemen - where similar developments are in play - he shrugged and said: "They have to start someplace." The idea that the West is simply securing their interests (OIL!) in the region? "Not relevant", according to my new friend. He left me scratching my head. The fact that Russia and China didn't invoke their veto power to deny NATO the symbolic legitimacy conferred by a UN resolution has only served to further muddy the waters, as far as yer old pal Jerky is concerned. The Iraqi Invasion: Part II, this is not. At least, not yet. Iran. Saudi Arabia. Yemen. Bahrain. The United Arab Emirates. Pakistan. Israel... it's like an octagonal three-dimensional chess board with a billion pieces in play - each with their own rules of engagement - set up on a playing surface twisted into a perpetually self-negating hyper-dimensional pseudo-donut Mobius sphere, if you know what I mean.

So I'm struggling, but I'm trying. I think maybe the ideal would be for me to set up some kind of separate semi-blog-like site in the Gawker mold where I (and a few deputized co-writers) could simply link to and briefly comment on all manner of stories relating to the global parapolitical situation, like a running catalog of these Apocalyptic End Times of ours (and I don't mean that in the Christian sense - at least not purely - but I definitely do mean it).

Know what I mean? Suggestions? Opinions? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?


Scottish politician/activist George Galloway thinks he knows the answer, and it's only three letters long. O-I-L...


"Attempts to undermine the legitimate currency of this country are simply a unique form of domestic terrorism. While these forms of anti-government activites do not involve violence, they are every bit as insidious and represent a clear and present danger to the economic stability of this country."

- US Attorney Anne Tompkins adds insult to usury after Bernard von NotHaus was found guilty of "domestic terrorism" for creating and marketing the Liberty Dollar - a gold and silver alternative currency that has been in circulation for a decade. Oh, just one more thing. I've seen a lot of comments at various news sites claiming Obama was behind this - kind of like when they blamed Ruby Ridge on Clinton/Reno, even though that happened a year and a half before Clinton was even elected. In this case, the investigation and raid on NotHaus' company took place under Preznit Dubya's watch. Here is the best, most concise and balanced summation of this troubling story that I have yet to come across.


"I stoned Murray with a rock in a sock."

- Here's another bit of exhibit to add to the Himalayan-sized mound of evidence proving that religious people aren't only no better than non-believers, a lot of the time, they're worse - and sometimes they're worse precisely BECAUSE of their religious beliefs. Pennsylvania man John Thomas says that after his 70-year-old same-sex "friend" made unwanted sexual advances towards him, he prayed to GAWD to tell him what to do. And, apparently, GAWD told him to do what the Old Testament demands and stone the bugger, leading to the Doctor Seuss-like nugget of a quote reproduced above. Never mind this same 70-year-old "friend" had also just happened to leave Thomas a bunch of money in his will, and that Thomas tried to cover up the incident for over a week before finally giving himself up. Nah... it was just another case of one of those frickin' gays not knowing when to quit, maaan...

Saturday, March 19, 2011


September 11 Terrorist Attacks
Japan's Triple-Apocalypse
Mayan Doomsday Deadline

Coincidence? You be the judge. Implications? I'd rather not say.
Thanks to our old pal DimaN in Belarus for this positively paranoia-inducing catastrophic computation.

(edited to remove silly mistake pointed out by ttibby)


"Happiness is a warm c*nt."

Friday, March 18, 2011


"The evidence gathered over centuries of disasters, natural and man-made, is overwhelming. The vast majority of people, when a disaster hits, behave in the aftermath as altruists. They organise spontaneously to save their fellow human beings, to share what they have, and to show kindness."

- British war correspondent and columnist Johann Hari deconstructs the reactionary myth of the panicking disaster victim in an excellent and thought provoking editorial.


"The two greatest visions of a future dystopia were George Orwell’s '1984' and Aldous Huxley’s 'Brave New World'. The debate, between those who watched our descent towards corporate totalitarianism, was who was right. ... It turns out Orwell and Huxley were both right. Huxley saw the first stage of our enslavement. Orwell saw the second."

- Author Chris Hedges paints a bleak picture of the global realpolitik, indeed, in his incredibly depressing essay, 2011: A Brave New Dystopia,


The Worst Poem Ever Written
by Jerky LeBoeuf, Esq.

Bacon, eggs and sausage links!
Buttered toast and coffee drinks!
Loops of Fruit and Cakes of Pan!
Breakfast fit for God and Man!

Sometimes when I’m eating 
I think that I can taste 
The egg inside the chicken
Or the chicken in the egg!

Here I sit, broken hearted,
Paid my dime and only farted.
It's okay, I'm not blue,
Frankenstein was ugly, too!


Taking the streetcar in to work last week, I saw a beautiful Asian girl - tall, long auburn hair, tight grey jeans worn tastefully soft, buttery knee-high leather boots. She was gabbing on a cell phone and carrying a bag emblazoned with the motto: "Do One Thing a Day that Scares You."

So I walked up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder. She paused her conversation and turned towards me, and I shouted "BOO!" at the top of my lungs, right in her face. She jumped back, reflexively muttering something in Mandarin - it sounded like "Heeyaah!" - and gave me a quizzical look. I pointed at the motto on her bag. She looked at it, then back at me. I gave her a double thumbs-up sign, thrusting both stubby digits towards my smiling, be-whiskered, winking face.

She stared at me for about, oh... maybe 3 seconds, then turned around and clip-clopped away just as fast as her skinny little legs could take her. I guess she didn't get the joke.

Thursday, March 17, 2011


Way, way back - in the late 1970's - CBS aired a very strange Movie of the Week, indeed. Produced by Saturday morning TV veterans Rankin/Bass, The Bermuda Depths (1978) was a supernatural giant turtle movie starring an incredibly beautiful Connie Sellecca, budding occultist Leigh McCloskey, Carl "Apollo Creed" Weathers and Burl Ives, the Wilford Brimley of his generation.

There are a few strange things about this movie. First and foremost, a quick perusal of the message board at its IMDB page reveals that a great many people have been haunted by memories of this very eerie and bizarrely romantic flick for the better part of three decades. Some people vividly remember entire sequences from the film. Others dream about it. Still others have spent their lives trying to track it down, or even just to find out what the title is! They pester their friends and family about "the giant turtle" movie with the "green-eyed ghost girl" who swims like a mermaid. Most of the time, they would only get strange stares. The movie's cult status was probably only solidified by the fact that it never got a proper home video release. Outside of Europe, where it enjoyed moderate success at the box office and has always been available for home video, the only version readily available in North America was a chopped-to-hell Japanese VHS edit* missing many key scenes.

Yer old pal Jerky counts himself among one of the haunted, although I never forgot the movie's name. That's why he was so pleased to discover that Warner's latest DVD re-release is, indeed, the fully restored version of the long-lost classic that spawned so many nightmares and wet dreams back in the day!

Eight full minutes of scenes that were missing from the much-despised 80's release have been restored, including the full opening credits sequence - complete with the haunting theme song ("Jennie"), which plays over footage of Connie Sellecca swimming through an underwater wonderland - as well as a key scene (44:45 to 45:50 in this version) where Jennie and Magnus (McCloskey) engage in a romantic, sexy, minute-long underwater ballet in open water, through an undersea cavern and up into a secret grotto beneath Magnus's childhood home, where his father used perform bizarre experiments until being eaten alive - a dramatic revelation that gives Burl Ives the chance to over-act hilariously as he belows out the immortal line: "YES he was eaten!!!"

The transfer quality is amazing, with crisp and clear definition and rich, vibrant colors throughout. The sound quality is equally improved upon. The miniature boat effects are bathtub cheesy - and why a giant turtle should communicate via whalesong is never explained or even commented on - but these elements undoubtedly make up a large part of this movie's charm, and hardly detract from its strong points.

Yer old pal Jerky remembers the first time he saw this movie when it was playing on WVII out of Portland, Maine. I think it was the night of its network television premiere. Anyway, I remember my cousins were visiting from out of town at the time, so I couldn't pay this movie the kind of undivided attention it deserved - by which I mean I couldn't put my hands down my pants for the scenes where Connie Sellecca was swimming underwater, a sight which almost threw my juvenile underwater fetishist brain into seizures. So the next day, I dialed up information, got the number for WVII and made the long-distance call. I was promptly put through to the program director, and I asked if they would be so kind as to re-run this fine film as soon as was humanly possible. And do you know what? They did! They re-ran it just a couple months later, on a Sunday afternoon! So thank you, WVII, for facilitating a 10-year-old aquaphile's masturbation needs back in the days before there was anything like the Internets to slake my lust!

If anybody out there has any memories of The Bermuda Depths that they'd like to share, please do so in the comments section. I'd love to read about your memories about this unique, strange cult movie gem!

*Beyond the whole "giant monster" thing, I suspect the main reason why Japan exported a VHS version of this movie to the US when no other nation ever bothered might have something to do with the fact that elements of whaling feature prominently in the main plot. Carl Weathers does wield a mean harpoon, here!


"Let's not beat about the bush. They have visibly lost the essential control of the situation. That is our analysis, in any case."

- French Industry Minister Eric Besson urges all French nationals to leave Japan as soon as possible due to the unfolding post-quake/tsunami nuclear disaster.


"Preparatory work has so far not progressed as fast as we had hoped."

- An official of plant operator Tokyo Electric Power Co (TEPCO) engages in a little bit of understatement a news briefing.


This festive little place-holding post is just to let you know that you should bookmark this blog, spread the news to your friends, and keep checking back on at least a daily basis, as yer old pal Jerky is deeply immersed in study so that what he writes for y'all will be worth reading! I even went so far as to spend actual, hard-earned money on an issue of Tea Party Magazine, and read it, so you don't have to! Oh, the things I do for you people... Anyhoo, in the meantime, I urge you all to check out and subscribe to the Daily Dirt Diaspora's very own Youtube page, because I'll be posting some very interesting things up there in the very near future! I leave you now with the following benedictions: "Erin go bra-less! May the road rise ta meetcha! May the leprechauns leave your family alone! And may your enemies choke on a big boiled sheep!"


That's what some headlines are screaming today about quake-shattered and tsunami-scoured Japan. Personally, I have a sneaking suspicion it's probably already too late to prevent a catastrophic meltdown, and The Powers That Be just haven't gotten around to telling us yet. Pray that I'm wrong, because if I'm not, this could turn out to be a global game-changer on the level of the September 11 terrorist attacks.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


So there's this book, PIMP, written by Iceberg Slim, also known as Robert Beck, also known as Robert Lee Maupin. First published in 1969, PIMP has sold over 2 million copies over the years, and it hasn't been out of print ever since. Equal parts autobiography, confessional, manifesto and training manual, PIMP provides the reader with a 3D, Technicolor expose of a much-maligned profession to which many have aspired, but few have had the brains and ruthless chill to pull off.

Iceberg spent over 20 years pimping hard on some of the fastest tracks in the nation, eventually giving up the game after his last prison stint. He seems to have turned to writing almost out of desperation, and it's a good thing he did. If he'd focused his ample talents on a different pursuit - say real estate or some other such straight con - the world would have been denied one of the most gripping, entertaining and - yes - important voices of the Black Experience in 20th Century America.

Let me be clear about this - PIMP is one hell of a book. I recommend it to any and all admirers of good writing. Iceberg's prose is sharp and clean. He is equally adept at philosophical rumination as he is at good, old fashioned story telling. His viscerally drawn, slang-drenched evocation of a bygone era when the pimp bestrode the ghetto like an ebony colossus left me laughing, cringing in horror, and shaking my head in disbelief. Occasionally, I was even deeply moved. His set pieces pick you up and sweep you away. You can't help but keep turning pages. You don't want to know what comes next, you need to know. What a voice. What a talent. What a book.

One of the most original aspects of Iceberg's style is the way he made use of music throughout PIMP to help set the tone. In this respect, it may very well be the first novel ever written to have it's own built-in soundtrack. As a fan of jazz - and now, also, as a fan of this book - yer old pal Jerky decided to go through PIMP with a fine-tooth comb and isolate all the sections that prominently feature music. So here, without further ado, in chronological order and complete with accurate pagination, is a list of every instance of musical reference in Iceberg Slim's urban masterpiece, PIMP.


  • On page 22, a young Iceberg hums, then whistles, Springtime in the Rockies, his favorite tune, while shining shoes.
  • On page 71, Iceberg and a friend have two "high yellow bitches" on their laps while watching the Nat King Cole Trio perform at a two-buck dance night at Liberty Hall. 
  • On page 80, Ella Fitzgerald "was crying about her little yellow basket."
  • On page 83, Ellington rippled out "Mood Indigo."
  • On page 85, Lady Day was singing a sad lament. "My man don't love me. Treats me awful mean. He's the meanest man that I ever seen."
  • On page 93, The Bird, Eckstine and Sarah sent a crazy medly of soul sounds from Creole Fat's Rib Heaven's loudspeakers.
  • On page 95, some skinny joker with scald burns on his face was fronting a combo. He tried to ape the Bird's phrasing and tone. Mixed couples danced to "Stomping at the Savoy" on a carpet sized dance floor in the rear.
  • On page 105, the combo was speed-riffing "Tea for Two". 
  • On page 107, the joint got back on jump time. The combo started to riff "Mood Indigo."
  • On page 108, the elevator operator for the Blue Haven Hotel is whistling "When the Saints Go Marching In."
  • On page 119, in The Devil's Roost, the juke box was grinding out "Pennies from Heaven."
  • On page 120, the juke box was sobbing Lady Day's beef about her mean but sweet man.
  • On page 127, the juke box was moaning gut-bucket blues. Some joker was singing "going down slow; Don't send no doctor; Doctor sure can't do no good. Please write my mother; Tell her the shape I'm in; I'm going down slow." It had been Iceberg's father's favorite record. 
  • On page 128, Eckstine's syruppy "Cottage for Sale" oozed from the Hog's radio.
  • On page 129, Iceberg could hear the deep-throated boom of a console phonograph. The Ink Spots' lead tenor was parfaiting "Whispering Grass."
  • On page 129 again, the big white phonograph in the corner was booming out a novelty tune. "When your pipes get dry then you know you're high. Everything is dandy. You truck on down to the candy store, but you don't get no peppermint candy. Then you know your body's sent. You don't care if you don't pay rent. Light a tea and let it be if you're a viper."
  • On page 136, Iceberg comes home to find that his bitch has been listening to Lady Day's lament on the turntable again, wasting time. The table was warm from the playing.
  • On page 140, Silas the elevator man is still whistling "When the Saints Go Marching In."
  • On page 147, Melody switches on a radio and Debussy's "Claire de Lune" sweet-noted gently through the room.
  • On page 165, Iceberg hears "Tuxedo Junction" pulsing behind him, in Sweet's opulant 15th floor penthouse pad.
  • On page 166, a high-assed yellow broad flicked life back into the phonograph. "Gloomy Sunday", the suicide's favorite, dirged through the room.
  • On page 199, Iceberg comes home to find his fake-sick whore listening to Lady Day whining about her mean man again. He breaks the record in two.
  • On page 204, Iceberg listens to "Mood Indigo" once again while thinking.


Pretty nifty, no? But I figure reading it is one thing, while hearing is believing. So, after completing this task, I started up a YOUTUBE account for the Daily Dirt Diaspora, found the best and most relevant examples of all the music listed above, and put together a virtual chronological literary soundtrack by creating a special PIMP TRACKLIST. I even whipped together some full-color CD cover art for y'all, just in case any of you wants to download all these songs and put together your own PIMP SOUNDTRACK CD.

The artists and the music featured in this project are all absolutely top notch, and I urge you to take a moment to pop on your headphones, sit back, relax and just wallow in some of the finest, most vital popular music that the 20th century has to offer.

Thank you for your time and attention;
Yer old pal Jerky


Hey, gang! Yer old pal Jerky's pleased as punch to be posting and getting feedback on a somewhat regular basis again. I do, however, have to confess that, since the original Daily Dirt went dark a few years ago, I have pretty much turned away from the political, parapolitical and world historical spheres in order to concentrate on creative writing projects and... well... um... going through a massive depression, among other things.

A lot has happened to me since November of '06, and I'm sure the same is true of all of you. I won't go into everything that's happened to me because I don't want to whine and you've all got your own shit to deal with. However, I do want to tell you that the fact that so many of you kept in touch with me during the 4-and-a-half years that have elapsed since my final blog has meant the world to me. It's probably part of the reason why I still draw breath, to be honest. So I just wanted to say thanks. I can't name names because there are too many of you, frankly, and most of you already know who you are. Suffice it to say, if you think I mean you, I probably do.

Also, I wanted to warn y'all that it might take some time before I'm back up to my fighting weight, cerebrally speaking, regarding the most urgent issues and developments of our time. You may have been wondering why I haven't written anything about the cascading Apocalypse taking place in Japan, or the collapse of long-standing Mideast regimes, or the American economy's ongoing slide down Razorblade Mountain, or, um... the latest American Idol or some shit. Well, fact is, I don't have anything worth saying about those topics yet.

Rest assured, yer old pal Jerky has begun re-educating himself in matters of global and universal import, and will once again be producing the kind of long-form essays you cats always seemed to dig so much, back in the day. In the meantime, I will continue to post humorous bits, links and quotes, jokes, advice columns, photo funnies and all the stuff I used to think of as filler.

Thanks for your patience and understanding in these formative days. In the meantime, bookmark this space, take your iodide pills and for Godzilla's sake, don't build any nuclear power plants on active fault-lines!



"They were carrying espionage equipment, reconnaissance equipment, multiple passports and weapons. This is no way to conduct yourself during an uprising. Gaddafi is bringing in thousands of mercenaries to kill us, most are using foreign passports. How do we know who these people are?"

- Senior members of the British government tried to pass this bizarre incident off as "a small British diplomatic team” entering Libya (illegally) to make contact with the rebel National Council. According to a senior member of the council... not quite. So, now that the captured "special forces" team has been released, we're left to ponder... what was really going on here? And what does it say about the West's true motives in Libya?


"As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and prostitutes. I particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some regularity."

- This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student. His assignment was to translate the lyrics to the song One More Chance from the Notorious B.I.G. album Ready to Die from Ebonics to standard English. He scored an A-plus.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


Okay, so before I write a proper introduction to the Diaspora Blog, I figured I'd better clear away some of the back-log of stories to which I've wanted to call your attention over the last couple years. Some of these are just videos, some are interesting articles, others are just funny wastes of time. This is just the first of what will probably turn out to be a number of house-cleaning posts, so don't worry, I won't be dumping ALL that accumulated crap on your laps at once. Anyhoo, I hope everybody finds at least one or two links per link-alanche to be worth their while. Huzzah! - YOPJ

In 1979, the CBS news magazine program 60 Minutes aired a report about the Swine Flu Scare of 1976 and the massive vaccination program that followed. This episode was allegedly banned after first airing and didn't see the light of day again until 2009 when it was released on the Internet. The implications are chilling and the parallels between what happened 20 years ago and the growing panic over Bird Flu - although currently on the back-burner - are ominous. Forewarned is forearmed.

If you thought the American government was doing something new when its agents started spraying pot crops with paraquat and other toxic chemicals in the 1970's... you'd be mistaken. The Powers That Be have been harshing our collective buzz for a very long time, as this article about certain toxic Prohibition tactics explains.


Garfield Minus Garfield is a site dedicated to removing Garfield from the Garfield comic strips in order to reveal the existential angst of a certain young Mr. Jon Arbuckle. It is a journey deep into the mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness and depression in a quiet American suburb. It made yer old pal Jerky LOL quite a bit, and hopefully it'll do the same for you. After all, we could all use a larf in these dark and dismal days, couldn't we, guv?


And speaking of larfs, finally, at long last, someone has crafted a sexually realistic R&B song... and they were kind enough to put together a hilarious video to go with it!

This is, quite possibly, the best condom commercial ever conceived, produced and released, ever. Hands down. No contest. Also, aside from the fact that it's funny as hell, it managed to give me the chubbs! Not quite as pleasurable as a full-blown erection, but I'll take what I can get at this point.


Doctors are people, too, as this video amply demonstrates. And you know what? It's fucking terrifying. After watching this, you may never shove another can of spray-on hair coloring up your asshole, again!


This incredibly beautiful and transcendently moving video and the staggering implications it conjures moved me to my marrow and, honestly, it just about succeeded in squeezing tears from this cynical old misanthrope's usually bone-dry eyeballs. Let's find out if watching it has a similar effect on you.