Sunday, June 23, 2013

THE MIAMI SEVEN : TERROR CELL OR WU-TARD CLAN?

On June 23, 2006, FBI and Homeland Security agents arrested seven members of a strange religious cult operating out of a warehouse in a rundown neighborhood in Miami, Florida. The men stand accused of conspiring to wage "jihad" against America and plotting to blow up Chicago's Sears Tower, among other noteworthy buildings and institutions. At long last, The Powers That Be finally got what they've been pining for: an Enemy Within; an All Purpose Excuse… some real, live, home-grown, all-American al-Qaeda! Let's get to know The Miami Seven on a one-on-one basis, shall we? - YOPJ

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LYGLENSON LEMORIN

Codename(s): Brother Levi, Brother Levi-El, Brother Lysol.

Rank: Highly Cherished Soul-jah in the Army of the Infinitely Righteous Luminous One.

Responsibilities/Duties: Mostly janitorial.

Known Superpowers: A household chemical weapons expert, Lemorin is surrounded by a mysterious force-field of unknown origin that causes any photograph taken of him to come out blurry. May possess as-yet poorly understood voodoo powers.

Known Weaknesses: Gullibility.

DHS Estimated Threat Level: Extreme.

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NAUDIMAR HERRERA

Codename(s): Brother Naudi, Lipps Babalon.

Rank: Lost Tribe Saint of the Ten Commandments, First Class.

Responsibilities/Duties: DJ, hype-man, comic relief.

Known Superpowers: Brother Naudi is chronic ambidextrous, which means he can roll blunts single-handed, using either hand. He can also roll joints with his feet, but nobody ever wants to smoke them.

Known Weaknesses: Poor judge of character, prone to munchies.

DHS Estimated Threat Level: Impossible to over-estimate.

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PATRICK ABRAHAM

Codename(s): Brother Pat, Professor Rolex Drambuie III.

Rank: Master of Communications.

Responsibilities/Duties: Setting up bootleg X-Box Live for all members. Plus, you know... web stuff, like, e-mail and shit.

Known Superpowers: Holds high-score on Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas; wears a woven bonnet of unknown origin that prevents government mind-control beams from penetrating his skull; reads at an 8th Grade level.

Known Weaknesses: Believes everything he reads.

DHS Estimated Threat Level: Continental.

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STANLEY GRANT PHANOR

Codename(s): Brother Sunni, Kool Mahdi.

Rank: Black Knight Priest of the Moorish Science Temple.

Responsibilities/Duties: Reconciling the tenets of Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism, Freemasonry, Gnosticism, Taoism, Scientology, Kung Fu and Karate into a single, devastating martial art.

Known Superpowers: Has watched and studied every movie ever made by the Shaw Brothers of Hong Kong.

Known Weaknesses: The ladies.

DHS Estimated Threat Level: Hemispheric.

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BURSON AUGUSTIN

Codename(s): Brother B, Peardrax.

Rank: Medical officer and team nutritionist.

Responsibilities/Duties: First aid, menu planning, grocery shopping, food preparation.

Known Superpowers: Has memorized every episode of Rescue 9/11; keeper of many forbidden prison recipes, like toilet tank banana peel wine.

Known Weaknesses: Toilet tank banana peel wine.

DHS Estimated Threat Level: Planetary.

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ROTHSCHILD AUGUSTINE

Codename(s): Brother Rot

Rank: Trial member in good standing.

Responsibilities/Duties: Procurement, inventory, general gofer duties.

Known Superpowers: When Brother Rot puts up his hair, he's the splitting image of Brother B.

Known Weaknesses: Suffers from a long list of crippling phobias, including fear of spiders, heights, water and ghosts.

DHS Estimated Threat Level: Off the charts.

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NARSEAL BATISTE

Codename(s): Brother Naz, Prince Manna, Prince Naz, Brother Manna, Prince "Brother" Nazmanna, etc, etc.

Rank: Pope Lord High Rabbi/Pharoah Imam of the Bleeding Rosy Cross-your-Heart Brahmin Apocalyptic Angel King Cobra.

Responsibilities/Duties: As undisputed founder, leader and mastermind of the Miami Seven terrorist cell, Batiste's responsibilities and duties are all-encompassing. Recently, most of his time has been spent securing adequate footwear for his nascent army of Osama-bin-Wannabes.

Known Superpowers: Has been to Chicago; unparalleled human beat-box ability.

Known Weaknesses: Suffers from gout, diabetes, and a really bad attitude.

DHS Estimated Threat Level: Universal.

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